I was never big, obese or even close to overweight. But, growing up, I always hated my body. It was about eight years ago when my body image really affected me and made the past few years of my life a nightmare.
I convinced myself that I had to reach this unrealistic image of girl portrayed in society. This is when I became involved with Instagram. I followed too many fitness accounts, diets and noted workouts that would burn calories fast.
I looked at those photos and compared myself to them. I was disgusted with my body and began to define myself by the number on a scale. As the number dropped, my motivation to continue this dangerous lifestyle rose.
My family took me to my doctor, where I was told to eat and not work out. My weight increased and my relationship with food came back to normal, but thoughts of being thin still remained in my mind. My body started to change and once again so did my food behaviours. I watched the number on the scale drop, this time more severely. I could not control my emotions, words or even my actions.
I never saw this frail girl, whose bones protruded out under her skin. I was eventually admitted to an eating disorder clinic, which felt like an assembly line. All patients were treated exactly the same. Sure, we all had anorexia, but our triggers, goals, lifestyles and passions were all very different. I was treated like a child and my family prepared my meals. There were many highs and lows, lies and fights along the way.
Mentally? The only person who could change this was me. Physically? I was being forced to change. One day, something clicked and I decided to learn more about proper nutrition.
Finally, I started to have a healthy relationship with my body and was able to see how unhealthy I looked. Honestly, I am not happy, but grateful that I had an eating disorder. It has made me into a strong and confident individual. I still have triggers, but I know I never want to be in such a scary place again.
I learned you have to keep fighting and not let a bad day or a scale control what you eat, how you act or how you feel. If you struggle, I hope you realize your moment to see the light will come.
